The Leek: Michelle Meal Melee

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The Leek: Michelle Meal Melee

Audra Gilman, Staff Member

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Disclaimer: The Leek is NOT a real news story. Any Leek story is purely a satirical piece made to be entertaining and thought provoking.

Former first lady Michelle Obama continues to strive for a healthier America. Obama started her health campaign in 2009 and has put various laws in place to ensure that the country’s schools are eating right. However these days, Obama has been spotted across the country committing various acts of aggression towards cafeteria staff in America’s schools. Obama is now condemning those who serve “the cancerous filth that clogs our children’s arteries”.

Reports from all across America have been flooding in, talking of Obama’s organic rampage. Obama has been said to assault those who serve junk food to students. Local cafeteria worker Candi Apple was the first victim of Obama’s wrath. Apple was serving a high schooler a cheeseburger and french fries during one of Obama’s visits. Obama saw the mystery meat burger and proceeded to body slam her, knocking the tray of junk food to the ground.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. She had this look of utter hatred in her eyes when she came over to me. I still hear her screams at night,” Apple said.

Many townships across the United States have reported Obama for trespassing on school property and verbally and physically assaulting students and staff. Freshman Russell Sprout from San Francisco was hospitalized for a burst eardrum and a broken wrist after Obama visited his high school. Obama ripped his hand out of a chip bag and screamed her famous slogan ‘Cheetos are for chumps’ in Sprout’s ear. Frito-Lay is planning on suing Obama for slander of their cheese-flavored products. The hearing will take place on January 15, 2019.

Malia and Sasha Obama, Michelle’s children, could not be reached for comment on their mother’s campaign. Obama’s video titled ‘Can you smell what Barack is cooking’ has gone viral. The video depicted Obama blending various fast food items and throwing the concoction at students and shouting about superfoods. Her attempts to get the FBI involved in the ‘condiment crisis’ have been futile. or her slogans, such as ‘Can you smell what Barack is cooking?’ Obama’s current campaign is set on fixing the donut disaster that America is plagued with. She plans on banning all donuts across America. Officer Kris P. Kreme from Chicago held a rally to stop Obama’s donut prohibition. It was met with great success from the citizens of Chicago.

Obama’s healthier campaign has been met with nothing but disapproval from the Trump Administration. First Lady Melania Trump believes that this campaign is useless and will eventually crumble. Upon hearing the First Lady’s words, Obama called for a Congressional Cage Fight to end the dispute once and for all. Michelle vs. Melania tickets and posters were sold out in the first 10 minutes they were available. The Congressional Cage Fight will take place in Washington DC. President Trump has been updating the country via Twitter on his wife’s training program and has also been attacking the opposition. News stations from across the country will be showing the fight live without commercial breaks and the fight will be livestreamed online November 27, 2018.

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